Recently, I have been struggling, in my own space, to find words that adequately describe my emotions, my journey, my future. There are many contenders, and anyone who has read previous blogposts will be familiar with some choice phrases. However, I wonder as I sit here today, if we have moved into a new phase.
This morning as I went about tending to our animals, I noted the hen’s water was thick with sludge built up from lack of cleaning. For those unfamiliar with the habits of our feathered friends, native birds wash themselves in the small auto-fill bowl, and the hens scratch dirt and other unknowns into the base of the bowl as they search for bugs nearby. This creates a murky, black sludge that slowly replaces the clear water that should fill the bowl. As I set about cleaning, using a course brush I create a swirling motion which lifts the sludge and I can then toss it out, in quick flicking motions, until the water runs clear. It’s much like creating a mini storm. I watched this process; one I have done hundreds of times before and thought it was an apt picture of our life at this time.
On the surface, from a distance the water bowl looks fine, create a ripple, ask the right question and I fear we may not be able hold the sludge from reaching the surface.
Finishing this task, the last one on the list was to check the letterbox, which includes a short walk for the two dogs. Oscar and Scoot were excited by the prospect and took off excitedly as the first drops of rain hit. Despite the black clouds and increased rain, I kept walking. By the time I got to the mailbox, collected the mail, and turned around, the skin on my arms was on fire, the raindrops were like ice. Looking for the dogs, Oscar was oblivious to the rain, rummaging in the paddocks for something disgusting to eat, while Scoot was looking at me with the saddest look on her face – one of intense disappointment. She couldn’t get her little legs moving fast enough back to shelter.
Disappointment is such an underrated emotion. I wonder if it is what I am now experiencing on such an intense level, that all the other emotions are being mixed into one. A bit like the soup I made yesterday.
I spent some time researching the definition of disappointment which can be described as “being sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfil one’s hopes or expectations”. The definitions are endless. My disappointment with life, at this time, is endless.
This week, initial hopes that our farm would sell quickly were dashed on the same day Daryl underwent further surgery on his jaw, necessitated by complications of radiation. This procedure is meant to be done under general anesthetic, but due to a 12 month waiting list, it had to be done in the chair. The staff were incredible, it was unbearable to witness, cruel to endure. Couple this with disappointment at the cancelled farm sale and I was grateful they gave Daryl very good pain relief.
I am all too aware that other people are facing their own battles, some far greater than ours and I don’t in any way diminish anyone’s journey. Life is complicated, I get it.
I just wonder how much complicated people can take before they say enough. On these pages, like many other social media or other public pages only a snapshot is shared.
Therefore, how do people like me, and you, our friends and strangers get through the murky sludge?
I believe there are two important factors.
Firstly - It is the real village that hold the power – the people. The ones who see through the false clear water and are willing to get into the sludge and help clear it out. The people who don’t wrap you in cottonwool yet share their world with you – the good, bad, and downright ugly. Sharing the normal makes me feel normal and valued. Isolating people who are already feeling disappointed with life just adds another layer of sadness.
Secondly – Having life to look forward to is so important. It’s the little things and the big things my friends. It’s being included. It’s being invited to be part of life. It’s having things to look forward to other than hospital/doctors’ appointments. It’s the unexpected invite for coffee, the unexpected drop ins. Invitations to join a group. Life is too short to wait for the right time - if you think of someone, call them, visit them, text them – share something with them – I bet you they need it.
I am writing this today looking at a spectacular view from our dining room window. It is like spring not winter out there. The serenity should sing to my soul, instead fatigue fills my lungs, and my bones are heavy.
Heartbreak is not always visible. Like disappointment, it can be a long, slow burn.
Until next time,
N
