A haze of hopefulness and trepidation

We bought a Christmas ham this year which I did not expect to do. Although this is a traditional activity and part of the normal preparations for the festive gatherings, we are not in a normal state of being. 

So, when my husband adamantly asked for one to be ordered I simply agreed, flummoxed by the request, and arranged for my daughter to complete the task. Afterall we were in the throes of rigorous cancer treatment and Daryl could barely speak, let alone, eat. 

The ham now sits in our fridge, and like me, is possibly confused by its presence post-Christmas. I did suggest baking it on Christmas eve, but that suggestion was shut down quite stoically. Just as well, as I was exhausted, and the idea of cooking was truly unappealing.

 

Now, Christmas and Boxing Day have been and gone, in what feels like a haze of hopefulness and trepidation. 

I worried Daryl wouldn’t be up for the chaos of Christmas breakfast, a tradition on my side of the family that brings us all together, resulting in big personalities vying for attention, tall tales, and even bigger hugs all around a very loud dining table. 

Yet, in the early hours of the morning as we prepared to go, Daryl didn’t even whisper a complaint or suggest staying home, despite a difficult night cementing the weariness in our bones, just that bit deeper. 

I worried that our presence would dampen the spirit of the morning, I worried that Daryl would feel self-conscious, that he would feel left out, that he would be exhausted. But I needn’t have worried - despite the tears that welled when some of our clan laid eyes on him, the extra tight hugs, the careful lowering of exuberant voices - the mornings celebrations were perfect in all its imperfections. 

I shed quiet tears and ached for the loved ones who were missing from the table - loved ones taken too soon by the angels of death, others through choices made from petty grievances and stubborn pride - then I looked around and rejoiced in those present. I realised I have limited resources left in my emotional tank, so I must accept the situations as they are and make the best of each one. I recently read a small sentence with a big message, and it read, “The biggest mistake you make is to live your life like you’ll get another chance to experience all the beauty that surrounds you.” And it’s true. We have experienced so much grief and loss this year that this needs to be reinforced, repeatedly, until it is our truth.

 

Working in the retail sector I watch and read the trends around the industry and listen to the people who shop in our store. I hear their grumblings, grievances and listen to the choices many are making to enhance their lives and those around them. For our family we chose experiences as the theme for our gifting this year. This has been highlighted by Daryl’s journey which has touched us all in some way, emphasising the brevity of life and opportunity. We were doubly blessed when our children chose to gift us similarly, with an experience to enjoy down the track, when Daryl is up for a new adventure. A day we look forward to very much. 

 

The remainder of the festive days were filled with family and friends. Daryl pushed himself to participate in family traditions throughout the big day and while these choices cost him physically, rendering him unwell for the evening and into the night, I’d suggest he would repeat it again, given the same circumstances. 

 

Today, the heatwave which has taken hold in Victoria is still in full force and we have taken refuge indoors, resting in the air-conditioning and enjoying the company of visitors to our home. Even the pups have been allowed inside to get some reprieve from the sweltering conditions. It’s hard to believe we had the wood fire on two weeks ago!

 

The Christmas ham still sits staidly in our fridge, and I finally asked the question about its fate. Turns out this humble ham is Daryl’s symbol of hope and healing. It will be providing the base for a celebratory feast to say thank you, sometime in the near future; a future we cannot even envision today, but one that is building moment by moment. For now, we take inspiration from the words of our children:

 

Finding the words in times of hardship is never an easy task, as such, we search for words used before – in doing so, we found this beautiful piece that made us smile. We hope it brings you both a bit of happiness too….’Home’ – Nikki Barnes.

 

Find the people and places that make you feel home.

Find the ones who take care of your soul and make like you can be completely yourself around them.

Find the ones who light you up from the inside out and encourage you to be yourself.

Find the places where you feel at peace, the places you could spend forever exploring and wandering.

Find the places that make you want to see even more of the world and the ones that make you happy to be alive…

And whenever you find one of these people or places, hold onto them so tight.

Tell those people you love them often.

Visit those places as much as you can.

Never let go of those people or places because when you find peace and love and joy in the world, it is worth more than gold.

It is where you are meant to be.

 

We love you both endlessly.

 

Love always, The Gang xox

 

 

Until next time,

N

 

 

 

 

Ferocity of nature amidst an opportunity for mindfulness.

The breeze whispers through the top of the gum trees and the kookaburras are silent now, smoke haze fills the air. It is mid-morning and a small fire-sun glows brightly through the thick clouds above, the pungent stench of bushfire scratches our throats as we breathe in. This is holidaying in East Gippsland at the moment. Fortunate enough to be able to still enjoy a break by the beach, I am joined by my husband, daughter Bek, son Haydn and his family Belinda (partner) and daughters Milah and Tyla, along with friends Carol and Zac.

Earlier in the week, I left the caravan park, as the fires encroached on the perimeter of the township, expecting to return later that night. It would be 48 hours later before were able to get through after emergency services re-opened the highway. Many towns are still under imminent fire threat and isolated from main centres. With temperatures again set to soar on Saturday, bringing strong northerly winds and creating a potential catastrophe for firefighters and communities, the threat is far from over. Photos flood Facebook and social media sites, depicting black skies in the middle of the day; town centres decimated by fire and firefighters exhausted from their ongoing battles against the ferocity of nature.

The tourist towns are not only impacted by embers, fear and grief but will also suffer financial loss due to the evacuation of thousands of tourists. This will have a ripple of effects for months to come and all our hearts ache for the many people who suffer at the hands of this natural disaster. To date, three people have lost their lives and four are unaccounted for, homes and structures have also burnt. The number of animals perished is impossible to count. Farmers forced to euthanise scorched livestock is heart wrenching and another factor in the increasing suicide rate. The hurt is unrelenting. While we sit here around our recycled timber trestle table playing with play-dough, reading a novel and scrolling through phones, emergency alerts in the background remind us of the plights of our fellow families who will not have the luxury of rest or relaxation this Christmas season.

As I type away, my granddaughter is busy creating with play-dough, her sister sleeps soundly inside the van. Life is slow paced here. A nice reprieve from normal day to day that seems to function on fast forward. It is hard to imagine that I will start a new job in a few days and commence a new professional adventure. I am not sure how ready I am for this. On the home front, renovations are incomplete and Daryl and I will get stuck into the remaining painting after this week. Without a lounge room and painting paraphernalia on every other surface it is frustrating to live in this space. Daryl is mindful of the need to focus on some more outside tasks, fencing, and wood clearing a priority. To date, we have had six Tiger snakes near our house or chook pen, they have been relocated and are not welcome in these zones.

With more extreme heat expected over the course of the next two months our cattle are always of concern, thankfully enjoying the shade and protection of the morass at this time, our 18 remaining cows and 14 calves are looking healthy and content. Water is our highest priority at this time of year, for stock, gardens and trees. Keeping them well hydrated is the difference between them surviving or not. Our two cats, who were boarding at our neighbours cattery, were returned home the other day as temperatures soared into the low 40’s. Unable to keep cool they retreated to the air-conditioning in our bedroom for a brief period. This probably saved them. Our dogs were brought inside and happily snoozed on the concrete as a nice respite from the hot winds, gusting through the property. Even the alpacas came running for water they could lie in. The bees battled the heat, despite the gazebo overtop to shade them, which eventually was shredded in the relenting wind. Our bees have also provided us with more honey, pure liquid gold. Daryl was able to use his new bee keeper suit, which he got for Christmas, and for the first time did not get stung for his efforts.  

Daryl and Milah with Zac have gone for a stroll on the beach. No doubt another batch of shells will be brought back to add to the collection. The smoke haze is still settled, with the tree tops barely swaying in the breeze, the magpies warbling is the only music we can hear for now. Farming, work and responsibilities are far from our minds. For now, it is about family and friends and filling our minds and bodies with mindfulness and fun.

Until next time,

N

Rivergum dry

Barren paddocks

The rain is falling softly, lightly indenting the dirt across the farm. It is welcome. It is but a drop in the proverbial ocean, not even close to being enough. 

Three years ago there were photos of lush paddocks with the greenest grass tickling the cows knees. Today, the contrast couldn't be more acute. Hard, compacted soil with sprigs of weed is the only growth to be seen. Even if the cows got down on their knees there is no grass to be eaten. Today is a another sad day, drought is very real and there is no sign of it breaking, despite the dampness in the air tonight.

A welcome sight - rain

We recently made the decision, knowing the result would be less than favourable, to send 29 of our younger steers and heifers to market, the food bowl is dry and in a few weeks they would be showing ribs. Hoping someone in South or West Gippsland, where the pasture is plentiful, would take them, we loaded them up on the semi and sent them on their way to a new home. Sold they did, at a huge loss. We are still reeling from the prices, despite knowing they would be poor, the harsh reality stings.  All our work, frosty mornings of feeding calves, drenching and caring for stock only to let them go for a song. A sad melody indeed.

We acknowledge that many are far worse, relying solely on the land for their income. Recently, the 'Need for Feed' convoy went through town and I was caught in the carpark as it barrelled by. Unashamedly, I shed a tear for the many farmers who would be waiting for this essential supply, knowing in a small way how heartbreaking these days will be for them. Tears also flowed for the generosity of the many who were carting hay and travelling to towns far from home to support their fellow Cockies.

Young ones off to sale

Townies will never understand, the heartache that comes with raising livestock, the emotional investment, not to mention the financial investment that goes hand in hand with any primary production. But they will feel the impact of drought in the coming months with food sources impacted and prices inevitably bound to increase. The other day the news reporters were trumpeting about some rains received in northern NSW, and suggesting this would be enough to make them happy. A months measure overnight - sounds good but.....seriously how ridiculous to think that a brief deluge would break a drought. The ground is so hard and unforgiving that weeks of gentle soaking rain is needed to seep into the layers of soil before there is a chance for recovery. Reporters who try to sensationalise the stories need to learn some lessons before reporting such dribble. This is someone's livelihood, their past and future all wrapped up in the land they work. This is their life and it is seemingly blowing away with every gust of wind.
So for us, fortunate enough to have a choice, we will not be able to sustain our remaining cattle, beautiful cows with young calves at foot. We have three round bales left, a handful of pellets and some bushland that will keep them in feed for a few weeks. Anyone who has ever breastfed will know that feeding babies is hungry work and these mumma's need grass. Again we will look to sell. Again we will be saddened and disappointed. Unless rain arrives - there is always hope while the sun sets and rises each day.

Orphan 'Winston' always hungry

Helping Poppy

Now that daylight savings is upon us we are able to enjoy the longer days and get the chores done at a more leisurely pace after work, this provides some down time and often a chance to reflect and complete some of the little jobs. At present the feeding of one very hungry orphaned calf (one of twins) keeps us on our toes as Winston demands his daily milk. Saved from the frosty night after his mum rejected him, he was so small he fit nicely in the footwell of the ute, easily carried across the paddock by Daryl. Nowadays he could easily knock us over on our backside with one head butt. He has grown from strength to strength and thinks he is our pet. With Spring in full swing, the veggie patch is being turned over for new crops to be planted. Daryl even had a little help from our beautiful grandchildren. The beehive is alive with activity and the bees are busy preparing, what we hope will be, delicious honey.

Unfortunately, we lost a number of trees over Winter, despite our efforts to protect them from the dry and frost but regardless the wind breaks, whose growth also stagnated over Winter, are being plied with water (thank goodness for the new bore) and are showing promising signs with buds and new growth sprouting along the driveway.

Spring crop 

Unfortunately, the water tanks are also dry and we have reverted back to town water (yuck) but its better than no water! When the rain does come, it is delightful to hear the sound of water running into the tanks. The carport now complete helps gather as much rainfall as possible.
Right now we can hear trickles of water running into the tanks..but you need to listen carefully.

The coming weeks will be filled with more heartbreaking decisions and no doubt you will see some photos of cows, with calves at foot, in the hopes we can find them a new home for a fair price.

Here's hoping.

Until next time,
N

Escape to the High Country

Saturday morning: The addictive aroma of cooked bacon permeates the two-room hut and we have settled down in our respective chairs to let the feast settle in our tummies. Four friends have once again taken to escaping the rigors of the everyday and come to a place called “Anthony Higgins High Country Accommodation” north of Licola. 

The thermostat above the kitchen bench reads 18 degrees Celsius, balmy and toasty in comparison with the verandah thermostat which is currently hovering over zero degrees. An open fire provides warmth and the comforting crackle and pop is heard every few seconds. Its familiarity and predictability are soothing to the soul as much as the wind whipping around us outside. The cows came to greet us this morning as a dozen young calves romped along the front of the house while their mothers looked on in amusement. They frolic and run through the rolling paddocks, curious of the people who have moved into their area, they venture close to our back fence, noses checking out all and sundry.

We arrived yesterday afternoon after a leisurely road trip along the mountainous, windy roads. Coming off night shift, Daryl scored a few hours sleep while Carol, Zac and I worked the supermarkets, butchers and bottle shop to get our required supplies. After leaving numerous notes for the farm sitters to ensure our own livestock are well looked after, although this was done with some concern as we have a mumma cow showing shows of imminent birthing and a young calf looking weak and tired. Despite all this, we left strategies in place to deal with any animal welfare issues. So, with Carol rounding us all up with the determination of a school head mistress, we got on the road and sped our way to the Farmer’s Arm pub in Newry. I admit, an interesting choice of lunching venue but it was on our way, and as we had not been there, decided we should give it a try. Calling the publicans as we left, checking they would still be serving lunch, they kept the kitchen open for us and we were greeted with the best of old fashioned country hospitality. As the only patrons in the pub we turned down the tv, cranked up the juke box, and got the pool balls on the table. A few drinks (only one for me as the driver!) a lovely lunch and a lot of laughs provided the foundation for what we hope will be a weekend of recharging. 

The hut is rustic but a far cry from the dirt floors and grunge that usually greets you when you take up residence up the high country. It has a functional kitchen, plenty of chairs, reasonable beds and million-dollar views. Even the loo (situated a short stroll from the main residence) has magnificent views. Rolling hills, snowlines (yes there is snow) and rainbows are hard to beat. 

Our entertainment for the weekend is a mixture of card games, shooting practice, reading, crocheting and generally talking about a whole lot of everything – as the day progresses a few alcoholic beverages will be shared and feasting continues well into the night. 

There is only one bedroom consisting of a queen bed, six single bunks and a questionable fold out couch. So, if you’re after some privacy, this is not the place to come. It’s all about sharing in a place like this. Once you get passed the dust (there is plenty of cleaning equipment) and the massive deer head which seems to stare at you with its large, sad brown eyes as it stands guard over the fireplace, there really is nothing else to do but relax. No traffic, no street lights, no pollution – it’s magic. 

The owner of the property, Anthony, is a quiet, unassuming man, friendly and welcoming. He provides copious amounts of firewood for those of us crazy enough to stay during the winter season. The best thing about travelling during winter is the potential for snow, which we seldom, if ever, see in the lowlands along with the fact that few people will brave the conditions. And I must admit the less people around the better. Today is the first day I feel a bit rested following a mega busy few weeks at work. Long days including weekends, coming home in the dark after leaving in the dark for work, eventually take their toll. It’s like being constantly on fast forward, eventually you start to wear the tape out. My days at work rarely have time for lunch with conflicting demands, diverse personalities and escalating priorities causing a fair share of stress. Having moved into this role recently, the stakes for me are higher. I don’t cope with doing half a job and strive for excellence. Therefore, walking away when things are not working well or in the right place, is impossible, even if it means exceptionally long hours. With every new role the learning curve is steep and sometimes lonely. However, I must admit, in recent days I’ve discovered a new level of support from the staff around me, little things like offering to make me a cuppa, when they know I haven’t had time to drink the one I made on arrival hours earlier, putting equipment together for me, taking messages and in effect letting me know they care. This is what makes the difference between succeeding and not giving up. Team is a powerful potion. But this weekend is not about work, I promised Daryl I would not do anything work related, up here in the middle of nowhere we are back to basics – no Wi-Fi, no electricity, no microwave, no dishwasher and no tv. Blissful really!

Well it’s time for a my fourth cuppa this morning (it’s 10.30). I’ll be back to let you know about our adventures after this afternoon.

Saturday late afternoon: 

The sky is now clouded over with ominous black clouds, moving swiftly across the sky towards the snowline, soon we will not be able to see past our noses. It’s getting harder and harder to make our way to the outdoor toilet, where when you sit on the seat and recover from the chill against your bare skin, all you can see are the stunning views and your own breath, it’s that cold. Today reached a balmy 2 degrees. 

We filled the afternoon with a drive around the various tracks and checked out a range of camp sites with a view to warmer days and camping. We completed a baby river crossing, bringing back memories of grander treks many moments ago. We are now planning more in the future. A little rock climbing, admiration of the crystal-clear water running rapidly across the stones gave us all a reminder of the blessing we have on our doorstep. On the way 

home, we found a secure gully and set up some targets, the shotgun and rifle had a workout until we decided those dark clouds were too close, the temperature far too low, the lure of the warm fire and drinks called us home. 

After a game of cards, lunch and a nap, the boys have gone back out in the hope of claiming a fox or two. The girls are contented to stay indoors and man the fire. 

Sunday: A new day has dawned and it is perfect, sun is shining, through the whispers of clouds and no wind rustles the trees. We have decided to cook breakfast outdoors and Daryl is happily getting his inner hilbilly on show, sourcing dry kindling from the tree-line and lighting a fire fit for bacon, eggs, tomatoes and bread on the built in hot plate. After a very snuggling night, keeping warm from the chill in the air, a shower was in order. Unsure if hot water would be a modern convenience I braved the outdoor shower and found, to my delight steaming water and a relatively clean shower base. Heaven under the shower head. 

Our final evening here was well spent with multiple card games with the winning post shared amongst us, free flowing drinks and a feed fit to be seen on any reputable cooking show. We have depleted Anthony’s excellent firewood supply and I suspect he will spend the next few days restocking for the next lot of guests who choose to enter a remote spot of paradise. Anthony dropped in this morning on his way to feed his herd of cows. With his five cattle dogs in tow he accepted the offer of a coffee and chatted amiably for a while entertaining us with some of the stories of days gone by and the mischief and mayhem a younger Anthony created. Daryl and he exchanged a few tales as Daryl himself grew up exploring a large part of the high country during his youth and younger years.  

This afternoon we will meander to our respective homes and once again prepare for the working week ahead. During getaways such as this, I wonder what it might be like to live a different life. However, for now at our home, the cows are due to calve, the carport is being concreted next weekend, planned coffee catch ups are made and we have a new grandbaby due to join our family in a few weeks. 

We have no complaints.

Until next time,

N

Mellow moments

It's a mellow Saturday here at Rivergum. On this rare occasion I am home alone, if you don't count the animals, and I'm not doing anything in a hurry today. After a full week navigating work commitments, health issues of my father, bureaucracy of corporate organisations and life in general I'm stretched and starting to twang. Enjoying a leisurely sleep-in (yes, 7am is a sleep-in) I didn't actually get up for a bit longer but I enjoyed the opportunity to read The Big Issue, surf the net, with no particular goal in mind, stare out the window and have a few conversations with my cat Meep, who seemed determined to get me out of bed to feed her, and her buddy, Lilly. Cup of green tea made, an essential each morning, I have pottered around the house noticing how neglected it has become in the rush of the week. The washing piles (yes plural!) are overflowing, the grass is long,  the dust is well settled on all the furniture. The washing will get my attention but the rest will have to wait. Today, I have other plans, well at least good intentions to complete some book work for my studies. However, before rushing to that task I have enjoyed a walk outside, with the three pooches in tow, fed the hens and given a cursory inspection of the cows, all very contended

Entertaining me

Mellow cat style

and relaxed in their paddocks. The sun is shining but the wind chill is crisp. Our newest trees, planted this week, are looking healthy despite the dry soil they have been planted in. We have experienced small spurts of rain, enough to keep the plants feet moist. We lost a dozen or so young sapling recently and its hard not to get frustrated at times. All that work gone in a matter of hours. But, dwelling on disasters is not productive and we can only move forward with each setback. Sitting here at my desk this morning,  I can appreciate the serenity, the view and the blessing it is to have such space around me. Chatting to my hairdresser last night, also a farmer, we both agreed that if you can't enjoy what we have, then farming is simply another anchor around your neck, weighing you down causing back ache beyond measure. So, a little down time and reflection is good for the soul and certainly good for my health. I have a condition which raises its ugly head as a warning, inflaming the muscles around my chest, it makes it hard for me to breathe and eventually it renders me useless until I remove the stress factors and rest. Recently, the chest is tightening again and I am heeding the warning signs to back off and stress less. Well, at least for

A distracting view

today anyway.

My workspace

Last night was whole different story. We received a call from my father's nursing home Thursday morning telling us he had "a turn" and wasn't very good. Naturally as luck would have it, I was working in Melbourne and Daryl in Traralgon. Having conversations with staff, the expectation is that sensible steps would be taken to ensure a diagnosis and then treatment, but its seems that in aged care that is not the case. I will not bore you with the details except to say, there followed numerous phone calls and lengthy visits to the facility, finally ending in terse words and subtle threats to take steps to a higher authority if the medical care was not forthcoming. Amazingly enough my father has finally been assessed and is being treated accordingly - more than 48 hours after the fact. This is what we have to look forward to, if we are unfortunate enough to end up in a nursing home. At ten o'clock last night after the final phone call ensuring my father was in a better state, I was even too tired to have a glass of wine. Today, he is stable and is expected to improve with each passing day. I'm not sure why it's all so hard, we pay a fortune for him reside in this facility and yet they are under resourced, and staff are stretched to capacity. It's just not ok. However, let's move on to nicer conversations, my chest is tightening just typing this portion.

Curious creatures

Happy hens

Rivergum update: We have finally decided on a label (pictured) for our egg cartons and I am so excited for the final product to arrive in our mail. After umming and ahhhing for some time, we have gone for simple and bright - much like our hens, who after weeks of feeding, they are starting to produce some eggs, albeit small in size for most of them, the eggs will no doubt increase in volume and quality over time. In the meantime they are being well guarded by our two alpacas who are also enjoying a feed of hay in their new hay feeder today. We have started to feed them pellets and they are slowly becoming more friendly. Ever curious, they are funny creatures who it seems can be easily trained. Maybe we could get a few more, to keep the foxes at bay and away from our calves.

Ready for a new home 

Ready for planting

Our most recent additions have settled in well into the farm. The 13 steers are keeping five heifers company as we need to keep them (the heifers) away from the bull who has come to play with the cows for a few months. The heifers, who are just gorgeous and fat, will go to a new home on Monday, having just sold them privately. We are contemplating changing from breeders to steers, maybe keeping a couple of cows, because I like having the little ones around.

Inspecting the work

Fattening steers can be less work and certainly less stressful without the complications of birthing. We are still in the research phase on this one. Despite some welcome rain, it is too little, too late and we will be unable to cut hay this year. The growth is sparse and not worth the expense of contractors. So we will be on the lookout for good quality pasture hay soon. Around the house the plumbing works, which of course became bigger than anticipated, are completed and Daryl can finally concentrate on the footings for the carport, which is how this whole plumbing project started. While hay is not a goer this year, the rain

Plumbing pain

has boosted our fruit trees and they are blooming and budding all over the place. We are slowly replacing the citrus that died in the frosts and it is inspiring to see the new green shoots on each plant. The same goes for our gum trees that are also rejuvenating after being hit hard in the recent frosts. Speaking of rejuvenating, the same cannot be said for our house windows which are in the throes of being scraped and sanded and painted to give them a new lease of life. Four have been completed but I still have nine windows and three door frames to go. Motivation come at me, because I can't find you!

New growth 

While I have been typing, my tea has gone cold and the sun has hidden behind the increasing cloud cover; the breeze floating through my window has chilled. It may be time to move onto my next project for the day.
Wishing you all a moment of serenity and time for reflection sometime today.

Until next time,

N