Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts

Thursday, 16 March 2023

This place

You clasped my hand as I went to leave, it was so cold. You were technically radioactive after the nurse put the injection through the cannula. The tears were welling and your voice cracking, more than usual. It broke me, more than usual. I offered to stay with you. I would have stayed in that radioactive room, if only to stop the tears, to hold you a bit tighter, to make you warm. But you insisted and I know the nurse really wanted to close the door and have me leave. He had a heated blanket ready. It is another two hours before I will see you. The poison must travel around your body and then the PET scan can happen. 

I went to the cafĂ© on Level 7, it is noisy and the door to the Terrace Gardens slams every few seconds. There is a woman screaming abuse, her world has exploded. A couple sit huddled, hands clasped, broken. Uniforms rush from counter to counter, forcing food down as the clock runs out for them. 

We are texting, it’s the closest we can be. Sharing our own diluted versions of heartbreak and frustration, trying not to upset the other further; sparing ourselves the deeper fears we both hold, but never speak. 

Although today’s appointment will provide no answers now, this place is forever a keeper of our secrets. It is a place that reminds us of little positivity, unless you want to deep dive to find it, and we can and have, but only on those good days where our souls feel empathic and reflective. Today is not that day.

Here we are surrounded by invisible sickness, sadness, and grief. This place is the crusher of dreams, the place where normal life comes to die. It is the eternal reminder of our fragility and vulnerability as humans, the reminder that we are mere pawns in the game of life and presumption is a fatal flaw. This place is the collector of tears as they fall into the shattered hearts of its unwilling visitors. It could fill oceans. 

Its message is unwritten, unspoken, but smacks you with the force of a thousand whips - without health we have diddly squat. We are beholden to the medical empire and all its complexities. Without health we are ruled by pain, limitations, schedules, pills, lotions, sprays, elixirs, appointments, professionals, cons, conspiracy theories, alternate therapies, all vying for our attention because we ultimately want longevity. 

We want to live life with health and prosperity, we want to live life on our terms – but without health we have no terms; we are kidding ourselves if we think we do - our body dictates them all, our will to live determines every decision. If you come to this place, know the cost is all consuming. 

Life is forever altered, every tomorrow that you dreamt, planned for, is gone. 

Every tomorrow is now a blank canvas, shadowed but open for business, if you turn the sign around.  

This place is now part of our tomorrows. For us, there is no giving up, no backing down, we fight until we cannot fight anymore. 


Until next time,

N


Thursday, 13 February 2020

Time - a slow transformation



New Year celebrations are now a distant memory fading away like the acrid smell of bushfires that surrounded us all only a few weeks ago. Now we are experiencing above average rainfalls along the east coast and our little plot is finally turning green. Life has quickly moved from the summer slumber into mode of work, schedules and appointments. Time in 2020 is moving rapidly or so it seems, and I am a little amazed it is already February.
As I type this Daryl is persistently laying our new floor. Loose lay vinyl planks, 90 metres of it, which all require gluing down. It is really like a giant game of tetris combined with a jigsaw. Pattern placement, curved walls and smooth cement are considerations we never really had before. But I must say after plenty of debate around getting a professional in to lay the floor versus Daryl teaching himself a new trade, he has excelled, and the final pieces are making our house look more like home. The walls now boast fresh paint and our feature wall (chocolate fudge) is without question the most valuable wall in the house, needing eight litres of paint to get a suitable finish. Curtains and blinds are also being reinstalled and shiny new handles don the freshly painted doors. Soon we will be able to put furniture back in and decorate the walls with pictures and paintings. For those that have followed our renovation journey we have chosen our splash back tiles for both the kitchen and laundry. Our redgum shelves are getting their final coats of lacquer and the hall table is ready for placement. I’m looking forward to placing a vase of fresh flowers on the table and welcoming friends and family through our new front door (still to arrive).
In amongst the renovation ride we farewelled our Miss Bek who has started her adventure to Ghana, West Africa. For six months Bek will be living and teaching English in a small village school near the coast. After enduring a gruelling 24-hour flight she has been greeted by hot, humid conditions and an abundance of beautiful smiles from the school children. Her host family speak English well and she is blessed to have a welcoming family to support her. They even bought her a new bed – a luxury many of her fellow volunteers do not share. Cost of living is cheap in comparison to Australia and I anticipate the journey will be priceless. I have now spoken to Bek a couple of times and she has shared a few pictures and videos of life in Ghana. I am overwhelmingly proud of her achievements and persistence in saving to make this trip come to fruition. She worked two jobs while studying her final VCE year (achieving a commendable ATAR) and saved like a squirrel. After months of research, planning and applications Latitude Volunteering said yes to her, but really, how could they not. Saying goodbye at Tullamarine airport was heart wrenching for me. Worry, fear, excitement and pride all blended together to create an emotional maelstrom. Each time I receive any communication the storm subsides just a little more.
During January we also celebrated our eleventh wedding anniversary and it was my turn to organise “something” to mark the occasion.  So many months ago, I booked randomly into guesthouse in Daylesford, choosing the long weekend as a preferred date. Honestly, by the time we arrived, later than anticipated, weary from too much in our calendar and pushing the boundaries of physical, emotional and mental capacity, I’d forgotten why I chose Holyrood House, and then I remembered! From the moment Andrew opened the front door to greet us, we were enchanted by this special place and it’s fabulous hosts. Andrew and Keith couldn’t have been more helpful, friendly or considerate, making our stay even more memorable. They excel where so many fail - in the detail - from fine linen, spotlessly clean rooms, delectable wine, scrumptious breakfasts and indulgent high tea, the list is endless. Catering to gluten free requirements, their food was exceptional, and I don’t say that lightly, used to some poor efforts at other establishments. 
These gentlemen have refurbished this guesthouse to replicate a bygone era of style, character, service and class. It is warm and welcoming. I could have happily stayed in the parlour, enjoying cups of coffee, reading the many books available, or my own, as the subtle sounds of music played in the background, instead of sightseeing the gorgeous Daylesford surrounds. The gardens are also a delight, and again, tea on the veranda is a treat. Their beautiful pooch, who’s name escapes me, is also adorable. Clearly well trained, she adds another homely dimension to Holyrood House. A wealth of knowledge Andrew was able to provide many recommendations to local attractions and eateries, and his advice is well worth listening to. It was clear by the breakfast conversations that other guests benefited from his suggestions, as did we. Our weekend included supporting the local economy as we wandered the main street of Daylesford enjoying the eclectic array of stores including books, shoes, antiques, art, and coffee. We meandered the local market and took a trip down memory lane on a dusty, noisy old diesel-powered train, I may have slept through the return journey – but enjoyed the scenery on the way up including local wineries, which may be a good stop next time. It is difficult to define our experience here, suffice to say, we will be back – although we will pass on the ‘natural’ spring water and stick to the bottle Hepburn springs variety.
Taking the time away when life is so stretched seemed a little indulgent, but then what else is time for but to enjoy and share experiences. Time enables us to create dreams and pursue them, achieve goals, experience the high and lows of life with others and sometimes alone. Time is a luxury that many of us have stolen too soon, warped from frustration, fear, illness and grief. 
Time is becoming a priority for us here at Rivergum.We have no more or less time than anyone else, but how we choose to spend it is a slow transformation. 
Until next time,
N